Still doing this damn TTC thing... and it's getting harder and harder to see pregnancy announcements and belly pics on all of my groups. I'm tired of TTC being hard every time... I just wanted 3 children, I didn't ask for the infertility crap. Why can't anything EVER be easy for us?!

On that note, my husband was in jail for 24 hours because he's a dipshit. That'll learn you to not forget about paying a ticket for 4 years.

I will never understand the mind-set of NOT child proofing your home because you don't want to change your life just because you had a child. I'm sorry but if you didn't want your life to change, you never should have had a child. Natural curiousity should not be punished... it is how a toddler learns the world around them. How dare someone tell me I need to smack my child's hand when she is only doing what comes natural to her? I don't punish for natural curiousity and I DO change my life so my daughter may have a safe enviroment in which to explore and learn... and yes, I would expect you to do the same if my child was in your home for an extended amount of time. It's not worth the risk of something happening to my child just because I don't want to be inconvienced or have pretty knick-knacks about my home. I can not fathom how anyone can think hitting a child is an appropriate form of teaching... especially at 15 months old. I will admit to sometimes wanting to paddle my 4 year old... he's rotten to the core <3 but I never would because I don't believe in it. But 15 months??? What could they possibly do to warrant being hurt by my hand? Scaring my children into obedience sounds so... wrong. I earn my respect from my children by first respecting them.

I do not heart Mommy wars.

Sometimes I get so frustrated with all the lying my husband's ex wife does... until it gets so ridiculous it actually becomes funny. On the day before Christmas Eve (our Christmas with the step-kids, of course) she told the kids she was pregnant. I told Eric that night that we would be hearing very soon about how she was on birth control when she conceived. She said the same for both of my step-kids but Eric knows differently. She actually admitted to his grandmother (adoptive mother) that she had stopped taking it when Shelby was conceived. They were actually semi-trying for Stephen. Yet she has looked at me in the face and said that she was on BC with them both... with Eric right next to me. He doesn't contradict her because we've learned she actually believes her lies and would rather DIE before admitting she is wrong... so he lets them go and just tells me afterward what exactly was lies. Well, today Shelby said "Mommy was on birth control when she concieved this baby." I couldn't help it, I laughed out loud. She just looked at me funny but when on to say how it makes sense because she got antibiotic shots and flu shots which would weaken her BC. Funny, Shelby told me the month before she got pregnant that she found pregnancy tests in her bedroom... Now why would someone have those if they were on BC and not trying BEFORE their actual BFP? Hmmmm... Her husband has expressed on more then one occasion he wanted NO more children. Sorry dude, you got duped. Must be getting tired of you and needs your child support and house.

I just find it all very amusing and call me evil but it makes me feel better somehow that neither one of my kids were "tricks" and were very much planned. My husband actually WANTED kids with me and wants a 3rd one with me as we speak. At first I was very upset that she was pregnant while I struggle every.single.time to get pregnant... I do not relish in the fact that I was jealous of The Beast. But now, all my trying and hard work for my babies doesn't seem so bad knowing that he has supported me as I struggle with infertility 3 times... Yep, I'm evil but I take solice in her bitchery.

So I will keep on trying for my 3rd miracle... and not be jealous of The Beast whom conceives so easily but at what cost?

Eden's 1st Birthday! Happy Birthday Sweet Baby Girl! I can not believe it has been one year already! I love you more then words can explain and Mama is so proud to be your Mommy :)


1 year ago.


My Birthday Princess

I have a 4 year old. Happy Birthday to my sweet baby boy! I can not believe you are 4 already... time has gone by so fast. 4 years ago, I became the happiest woman in the world. You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me. You make Mama so proud and I am so happy to be your Mother. I look forward to many more years of watching you grow into a wonderful young man.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELIJAH!

4 Years ago Today!


Today!

Today it really hit me that my baby girl is going to be a year old in a little over 3 weeks... I actually broke down and cried over it. It went by too fast... and I don't mean that in the "Oh my little girl is growing up too fast" kind of way. I mean my baby is growing up and I feel like I wasted so much of her early days not enjoying her. I loved her from the second she was born but I think I had some serious postpartum depression going on there for about 6 months where I didn't really feel bonded to her. I am now, intensely. She is my entire world but it feels like I only have felt that way for a minute and then I turn around and she's almost one. That hardly seems fair. She's still such a baby to me... she can't possibly be almost one. It feels like I just recently brought her home from the hospital. How can a year go without me noticing?




And not only that, I'm going to have a 4 year old in 3 weeks from Saturday. That makes me feel old. Oy!

If I never see another mosquito, it will be too soon. We can no longer go outside past 3pm or my son gets bit. Normally, that wouldn't be such a bad thing but when you wake up in the morning with things that look like this ....




And your ear hanging from your head like this....


It's generally not a good thing.


If anyone has any wonderful advice that I haven't tried ... please let me know. I'm a bit tired of avoiding the outdoors.

Humans can be nasty, vicious creatures. They speak behind your back, they speak kindly to your face. But if for some reason, you would freely say those nasty things to their face just as easily as you would behind their back, THAT person becomes the wrong-doer. When did it become okay to talk behind someone's back as long as you don't say it to their face?

I am okay with being disliked. I am okay with being disagreed with but have the nerve to do it openly. My husband has taught me a lot through our 6 years together. Basically, never trust anyone that you don't have to live with. It's sad that I have come to believe the same as he has... I really did want to believe in the basic good of human kind but I have since realized very few people know how to be true friends. Very few people will stand with you against the "popular" and very few people will put other people's needs/wants above their own. It's a sad truth... It's a sad state our world is coming to. Selfish, Greedy, Mean-Spirited people are overtaking us.

http://community.livejournal.com/nouglybabies/835570.html

Vote for my beautiful girl!

Well, we have decided to have one more child. I do want one more. I'm excited. But I'm scared to death. I put my whole heart into trying to get pregnant with Eden. It consumed my nights, my days and almost my marriage. Now that I have her, I am thankful I did but I am scared of the turmoil of TTC. 23 months of asking, begging, fighting, praying for a child doesn't seem like much compared to what some women go through and I am thankful I came out of it all with a beautiful little girl. I don't relish in the possibility of doing it again.

I can't seem to put the thermometer next to the bed. I can't seem to make myself buy the ovulation predictor kits. I can't seem to feel the desire to care when I'm ovulating. I don't seem to be able to voice the concerns to my husband. He never did get into the whole charting/TTC thing with Eden and believed it would "happen when it happens"... No, it never would have had I not diligently charted and used OPKs every month waiting for the precise moment when it was possible for my body to make a baby. I have a VERY short window of opportunity. He doesn't seem to understand that and why should he? He has 4 kids... he knows he's fine.

I guess I'm just hoping for that "surprise" so many women seemed to get blessed with.

When you can't find the baby...

LORD HELP ME!

From Email:

As of June 1st, the LLL Breastfeeding Helpline - US is fully operational. There will be much publicity coming out very soon for the helpline, yet in the meantime please help in spreading the word for the breastfeeding community to call 1-877-4 LALECHE (1-877-452-5324) for 24 hour toll-free breastfeeding helpline services.

1-877-4 LALECHE

Today Eden turns 8 months old and I sit here in amazement of her. She is crawling, pulling up, standing alone for a few seconds and STILL NURSING! I am so proud of the fact that I am still nursing my sweet girl. I had the worst troubles with Elijah and it always broke my heart that we never got the nursing relationship I so desired. I hated the pump with a passion that I cared not to rekindle. I have not touched the pump once with Eden. She can't remember the feel of a bottle or the taste of formula (there were a few bottles in the beginning sadly.) She sees me lift my shirt and gets an excited, sloppy grin on her face. She will crawl from anywhere in the house to get to me when she hears my voice.

She just had her 2nd tooth come in this past weekend and I believe we are working on her top two as we speak.

She just got over an unexplainable fever.

Eden loves her big brother and everything he does is comedy genius as far as she's concerned.

I never thought it possible to love another child as I did my second born. Of course, I don't love her like Elijah, I love her in a completely different, uncomparable way but just equally strong and fierce. I love her, I love her, I love her!

( My Beautiful Girl )

Every once in awhile I think about little things my parents did to make me into the person I am today. Sometimes I am greatful, sometimes I am resentful. Well, last night I was in bed cuddling my son on my right side and my daughter on my chest and I kissed them both goodnight on the lips and it made me think of my father. From as long as I can remember until about 13 years of age, I kissed my parents on the mouth and never thought anything of it. It was a normal, healthy way to show that I loved them... I never thought twice about it. But I can remember the day very clearly that all changed. I sometimes wonder if my mother ever noticed the change since she never batted an eye at kissing me on the mouth... and she still does to this day if it is offered.

My father was never one to show affection with his older children. Once we hit a certain age, he no longer hugged, kissed or cuddled with us. Now that I think about it and see my husband interact with his older children, it makes me very sad, for his own sake. At around 13 years of age, I remember for some reason I was upset over this and decided I would take it upon myself to show HIM affection so I reached down to kiss him on the mouth and he sat straight up, looked at me funny and said very angrily "Jeri, we don't kiss family members on the mouth... it's not appropriate." I can remember the look on his face as if I were looking at it now. I can remember the disgust in his voice like it was a moment ago. I remember how devastated I was. I will never forget that moment for as long as I live. I stopped kissing my parents on the mouth for the rest of my childhood.

As I grew up, I, of course, would kiss my boyfriends on the mouth but never family or friends. When I met Eric and his children and family, I soon realized they were ALL mouth kissers. At first, it startled me as his beautiful, innocent son kissed me full on the mouth, followed by his daughter and neices. They didn't give me a choice, they just did it. It was full of love and innocence, it was beautiful. However, for the next couple of years I still hesitated and often only offered my cheek for them to kiss. It wasn't intentional, it was just a habit formed from my heart-breaking moment with my father.

Then I had my own son and the very first thing I did when he was born was kissed him on his beautiful, full little lips. I did the same with my daughter once I was able and have never stopped nor thought anything about it until the other night. As they lay cuddling against my breast with their innocent eyes full of love and trust, I wondered if it was, indeed, inappropriate. I, then, began to feel intense anger that this thought even entered my mind. Why would a father, someone who is supposed to love and care about you think or say that a simple act of love be deemed inappropriate? I could never imagine not kissing my children. I could never tell them something that they see as nothing but a loving act is wrong. It hurts me so much that he thought and said this. I watch Eric kiss all 4 of our children on the mouth every day and I wonder how a father could do anything so heart-wrenchingly sad. I thought I had since healed over the things he did to hurt me. I guess not.

I, now, kiss my mother on the mouth, I kiss my neices and nephews on the mouth and I kiss my own children on the mouth. I will never tell them what my father said to me. They are entitled to show their love anyway they see fit and I love that they do.

So, my question is... Do I wait for the day my son or daughter reaches down to kiss my father on the mouth and possibly have the same situation or do I head it off and ask my father to NEVER say something like that to them for the fear of him making them feel like I did? Or do I tell my children that it's okay for them to kiss everyone BUT them on the mouth? I don't like that idea... I don't like taking the chance of putting the idea in their head that it is anything but an innocent act of love.

Eden is pulling up on things!!! Granted, there are only a few things she can do it on because she's so incredibly short, lol. My little girl is growing up *sigh*

Dear Restaurant Patron,

You came here for a nice meal. So did I. You look down your nose at me because my child is "out of control". You look at me with disdain and the arrogance of someone who knows not what I deal with. Your child sits with her perfect smile and her perfect table manners while mine screams over the fact that his cheese is not quite melted enough. You sneer and whisper to your husband about how horrible I must be. Just once, I wish you would understand. It is not I, nor my horrible parenting skills that make my child what you deem 'uncontrollable'. His little head is so confused, his senses aren't like mine and yours. I shouldn't have to explain myself. I shouldn't have to make you understand. I could be the best parent in the world, I could be the most gifted child psychologist in the world and we would still have our problems. His problems are not mine and I will never understand why one minute he is the happiest child on the block and a minute later, he feels as if his world is crashing down around him. But he is my son, he is my life and I will protect him from you for as long as I can. What you don't understand makes you the ignorant one, not I. Should I look down my nose at you for the mistake you have made? I would not. I accept that you do not understand and I walk away. It's what makes me a good parent, despite what you believe. I feel strong when I walk away. I feel confident in knowing I didn't make you feel the way you made me feel.

Signed,
The Bigger person.

Dear Walmart Patron,

Please do not judge what you do not understand. Please do not look at me as if you loathe the very ground I walk on for you see something you do not agree with. Unless you have walked in these shoes, you can not possibly know how uncomfortable they are. When it looks as if I'm ignoring acts that you deem unacceptable, you have no idea what kind of day I have had. You have no idea what I have already dealt with this day. You can't possibly understand how tired I am. You may be able to speak with complete authority and be heard. I can not speak loud enough to be heard over the pure turmoil that is going on his innocent head. When you see us sitting on the floor with arms around each other crying, don't assume you understand and therefore have permission to judge as you see fit. Don't walk past us with your perfect robot children in tow and sneer. Don't smile at me 10 minutes later and assume that you have been where I am.

Signed,

An Emotionally drained Mother of 2.

_____________________________________________________________

Dear Outsider invited into my home,

Please do not assume you understand what is best for my child. You don't know him, you do not understand the unique individual that he is or will become. Please do not assume that how your parents raised you is right for my child. Please do not assume that you can parent my child better then I. You will never understand the patience, time and unrequitted love it takes to raise my child. You are a stranger in my home. You are a visitor who has no say in how or what my child receives on a daily basis. We are doing the best we know how with the hand we are dealt. You are not a member of this family and therefore you have no right or reason to express ANY of your non-parenting views. We all change our views on parenting once we become one and I enquire you to test that scientific fact.

Signed,

Shoes you could never fill.

_____________________________________________________________

Dear Mother,

Thank you for understanding. Thank you for being the ear I needed when things were hard. Thank you for letting me go on when things are good. Thank you for understanding that while he may have problems, he is still inherently wonderful. Thank you for loving him as much as I do. Thank you for helping me to make others understand. Thank you for understanding that no matter how much I get frustrated, he is still one of the most wonderful things that has ever happened to me. Thank you for understanding why our bond is as tight as it is. Thank you for helping me to care less about what others think and care more about what is important for my son. Without you, I don't think I could have the courage to make it from day to day. Without you, I don't know that I could have made the call to do what is necessary to make him better.

With all my love,

Your Daughter

_____________________________________________________________

Dear Husband,

Thank you for being there and supporting me through everything. Thank you for understanding our son's unique personality and traits. Thank you for listening to me when I explained to you why he is the way he is. Thank you for changing your tune with him. Thank you for letting him be who he is. Thank you for loving him unconditionally. Thank you for supporting his unique talents and helping him to further them. Thank you for taking time out of your day for him. Thank you for backing me up. Thank you for being my soft place to land.

Love,

Your loving wife.

_____________________________________________________________

Dear Daughter,

Thank you for allowing me to set you down so I can deal with your brother. Thank you for being such a wonderful, inspiring little girl. Thank you for completing me. Thank you for coming into our lives right when we needed you. Thank you for making me a better person. Thank you for being my dream come true. Thank you for being my sunshine. Thank you for making me smile every day. Thank you for loving me.

Love,

Your proud Mother

_______________________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I have so many things to say to you but don't really know where to start. You are the sunshine that gives me life. You are the reason I breathe. Everything you do makes me love you more. Everything you are makes me so proud. And as I tell you daily, no matter what you do, I could never stop loving you. You are the hardest, most stubborn, most frustrating, most tiresome... most loving, most cuddly, most awe-inspiring, largest miracle I have ever witnessed. No one will understand the special bond we have. No one will ever break this bond. You are my life, my love and everything that I hold dear. You are one of the 2 things I am most proud of in my life. (The other being your sister.) My first born, my precious miracle.

Love,

Your Mommy

I tried to talk to my sister about Elijah's "high needs" label today (I watch her daughter every day) so that she would know what we are going through with him... He is unable to control his emotions, has a hard time expressing his feelings and can sometimes be violent. He bit my neice Monday and left a bruise (which I didn't know about until today) and while she realizes that could have happened at a daycare just as well as here now she is worried about her safety here. I tried to reassure her that while he may be violent towards me, he has never truely been violent towards my neice. He is not threatened by her and she does not MAKE him do things so she's not in any danger. However, he does hurt me, Eric and my step-kids because we ARE bigger and we make him do things. She then asked "Could he hurt her?" And I answered honestly, that he could... not because I think he will but because he is big for a 3 year old, he's strong and he's capable of hurting ANYone. She didn't seem to understand what I was trying to say... so she pretty much had her mind made up when she left that she needed to find somewhere else for my neice to stay during the day.

A couple hours later my mother called and told me that my sister had called her and my mother explained the circumstances around Elijah's behaviour and she now understands and we're going to sit down and talk about it a little more tomorrow. I honestly don't think my neice is any danger and I want her to understand that but sometimes she is going to see things with Elijah that she doesn't like... like him lashing out at me or some discipline that she may not agree with or understand (not hitting but bear holds and things that get Elijah to keep himself from hurting me or himself) which is what I was TRYING to get at this morning but she was not hearing me.

I am so tired of having to explain my actions with my son. I'm so tired of people looking at me like a horrible mom because he's so "spirited"... I'm so tired of feeling like a failure. I'm so tired of wondering if that day is going to be a good one or a bad one. I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of no one understanding and just blowing me off like "That's because he's 3...." Damnit there's more to it then that and NO ONE listens! I love my son with every thing I have but sometimes he's just too much for me but I have NO one IRL I can talk to. My mom is just now starting to understand (I've kind of kept people isolated from it until now) but even she doesn't really understand... I'm just tired.